Thankful.

Every year when the holidays come around I have this sense of pure gratitude and joy. You see, about 6 years ago I was facing a Thanksgiving and a Christmas with sorrow and pain filling my every thought. We spent Thanksgiving that year with my family in North Carolina and while I had a smile on my face I was broken and shattered inside.

With our nieces and my brother during our Thanksgiving trip.

In 2004 my husband and I decided to try IVF. We were finally hopeful. I was very young and the Doctor's all said that our chances were fantastic. We had a successful round of IVF with a positive pregnancy test. I was beyond happy. I was ecstatic! I thought that the waiting was officially over and that my dream of having a baby would finally come true!

That joy lasted about 2 weeks. Then I started having signs of a miscarriage. I spoke with my nurse several times and all she said was that I would have to "wait and see, but probably I was losing my baby". I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks and there was no sign of life. They told me that it could be a late implant but that there was no way to know for another week or two.

Then I started swelling and having severe cramping on my left side. I felt weak and I knew something wasn't right. I asked that they please give me another ultrasound because I feared that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. Turns out I was right. We went in for another ultrasound. My blood pressure was through the roof (and I always have perfect blood pressure). I was shaking and in some pain. Finally the Doctor comes in and we have the ultrasound. I've never forget what I saw on the screen or the words our Doctor spoke in that moment.

"Well I'll be damned"......"There is a heartbeat in your tube".

My left tube had ruptured. I was bleeding internally. My growing, heart beating fetus was not going to live.


As soon as I heard the words and saw my babies heart beat I lost it. I felt faint. I was in excruciating pain, I was undone. I could barely walk. We sat waiting for our hospital papers and called family. I hardly remember anything after that. I remember my husband tearfully holding my hand. I remember my dear friend visiting me and staying by my side after the surgery.

I remember the nurse that cared for me with such sweet gentleness. She was emotionally connected to me. She was exactly the person who should have cared for me. She gently told me about her two miracle daughters. She adopted them both and told me that adoption is a beautiful option.

I left the hospital knowing in my heart that I was done with trying to make it happen. I was not going to go through anymore fertility treatments. I had always wanted to adopt anyways. It just made sense.

In our follow up appointments with the Doctor he asked us what we wanted to do next and we told him we were going to adopt.

Within a month we had signed up with an agency "Heart Of Adoption". By March we were waiting for our first child to be born.

Now every holiday season I remember the pain and the hurt of waiting hopelessly. I look at my miracles and I whole heartedly agree, adoption is a beautiful option. It's the best and only option for me. 

"Beautiful things"

All this pain

I wonder if I’ll even find my way

I wonder if my life could really change at all

All this earth

Could all that is lost ever be found

Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

All around

Hope is springing up from this old ground

Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new

You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of the dust

You make beautiful things

You make beautiful things out of us

 Every time we sing this song at church I think about how God turned something so painful and horrible into the beautiful family that I have. I am so thankful for my kids. I am so thankful that God has a plan for my life and for my children's lives. I can't wait to do this again! I can't wait to see what beautiful things God has in store for our family, and for yours!

To those of you who have suffered the pain of losing a baby, a pregnancy, or the dream of one, my heart goes out to you. I know the pain of it. I know the misery of it. I can tell you that on the other side, it can be beautiful and joyous and great!

Thankful,

Sarah